The Business of Being a Tiger Mom
Part 3 | Instill Hard Work
“Mom, guess what? I got an A on my English paper!” Douglas stormed out of his bedroom with joy. He then said with a grin “Remember? The other day you said my paper wasn’t good.” His English teacher was supposedly the hardest grader at his high school.
The truth is that his first draft was solid but not excellent. Knowing his natural knack for English and Social Studies, I straightforwardly told him his paper didn’t reflect his true capability. “When are you going to ever tell me I did well?” he responded to my rather unflattering feedback. Eagerly motivated to prove me wrong as he always had done over the years, he locked himself in his bedroom for hours to refine his paper.
Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” in 2011 recognized and popularized the “tiger mom”, which led to national debates about parenting as well as TV shows in Singapore and China. My kids never read the book but claim that I am not just a tiger mom but a hardcore one. Is this because of my ethnicity or because of my apparent no-frills attached parenting style, or both? I have oftentimes wondered. With this curiosity, I reflected on my parenting style, interviewed my boys and my white American spouse for their feedback, and spoke to fellow Asian mothers in our community (I’ll just call them “tiger moms”) who were willing to share their own stories. I discovered that tiger motherhood is in the Asian moms’ DNA, deeply rooted in our cultural upbringing regardless of our socio-economic background and amplified by these key principles:
Principle#1: Have High Expectations
Principle #2: Prioritize Education
Principle #3: Instill Hard Work
“How much more do I need to practice?” Douglas huffed and puffed about preparing for his TED Talk. He certainly prized an opportunity to speak in front of the crowd but not so much about being ready. “Until you get better,” I responded calmly.
One of my all-time favorite non-fiction books, “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell popularized the 10,000-hour rule, which states that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert in a given field. Gladwell writes: “Ten thousand hours is the magic number of greatness.” The key takeaway for me was not 10,000 hours but rather the simple fact that high expectations or goals should accompany a significant amount of effort.
How did Asian countries take the top five spots in the recent OECD ranking of students based on achievement in math and science? It boils down to their hard work. According to the National Youth Policy Institute, Korean youth aged between 15 and 24 dedicated 49.43 hours to study each week — 15 hours longer than the OECD average of 33.92 hours. On a daily basis, this means Koreans are studying 7 hours and 50 minutes every weekday, or 56% more than their peers in other OECD member countries.
When speaking about expectations with my children, I try to be real. In other words, I talk about their goals (tend to be abstract) and the efforts (tend to be specific) required by unpacking the level of effort in terms of a specific number of hours a day/week/month. This is where the rubber meets the road. Then I make them accountable for their commitments. These are the moments when I am usually called a hardcore tiger mom as an enforcer of my children’s efforts — no ifs or buts!
“I appreciate public speakers even more than before,” said Douglas while watching the video clips of his rehearsal. He understood what it takes to become excellent whether be at school or pursuing extracurricular activities or passion projects. I have no doubt that this life lesson will serve him well for many years to come.
