The Business of Being a Tiger Mom

Part 1 | Have High Expectations

“Mom, guess what? I got an A on my English paper!” Douglas stormed out of his bedroom with joy. He then said with a grin “Remember? The other day you said my paper wasn’t good.” His English teacher was supposedly the hardest grader at his high school.

The truth is that his first draft was solid but not excellent. Knowing his natural knack for English and Social Studies, I straightforwardly told him his paper didn’t reflect his true capability. “When are you going to ever tell me I did well?” he responded to my rather unflattering feedback. Eagerly motivated to prove me wrong as he always had done over the years, he locked himself in his bedroom for hours to refine his paper.

Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” in 2011 recognized and popularized the “tiger mom”, which led to national debates about parenting as well as TV shows in Singapore and China. My kids never read the book but claim that I am not just a tiger mom but a hardcore one. Is this because of my ethnicity or because of my apparent no-frills attached parenting style, or both? I have oftentimes wondered. With this curiosity, I reflected on my parenting style, interviewed my boys and my white American spouse for their feedback, and spoke to fellow Asian mothers in our community (I’ll just call them “tiger moms”) who were willing to share their own stories. I discovered that tiger motherhood is in the Asian moms’ DNA, deeply rooted in our cultural upbringing regardless of our socio-economic background, and amplified by these key principles:

Principle #1: Have High Expectations

“I never thought I could deliver a TED Talk!” Douglas exclaimed after he delivered the speech about his fight against human trafficking and child slavery in Cambodia. While Douglas was passionate about the topic and had real-world experiences to share, as with many others he was uncomfortable with public speaking. I pushed him hard to do it anyway. It was a struggle to get him to do it, but Douglas quickly forgot his angst, self-doubt, and the weeks of excruciating repetitive practices. In the years since he has raised on numerous occasions how overcoming his fears in that situation gave him confidence and opened new doors of opportunity.

In the Asian culture, children are a reflection of their families and their lineage that stretches back hundreds, if not thousands of years ago. This prevailing notion creates pressure for our children, which propels them to grow up fast and motivates them to positively contribute to their family names and legacy as best as they can. They get to learn not only to live in the moments but also live for their future with a specific purpose.

Our children know very well that we have high expectations of them, specifically to always do their absolute best. We all know we have better control of our own efforts and less control of the outcomes. I’ve tried to instill this mindset in their schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and even doing house chores. Cut no corners.

Interestingly, I found that high expectations are contagious. In our case, children tend to have high expectations of themselves when they know their parents do. Expectations motivate them to always bring their best efforts forward which more often than not boosts their confidence and self-esteem, resulting in a virtuous flywheel effect. As Richard Branson, the Virgin Galactic Founder, who became the first billionaire in space said, “If you aim higher than you expect, you could reach higher than you dreamed.”

“Mom, I feel like I can do anything after my TED talk,” Douglas said proudly and thanked us for believing in him and pushing him outside of his comfort zone.