How to Raise Biracial Children
Growing up in Seoul with over 9 million fellow homogenous Koreans, I felt invisible — I looked just like them and I was one of them. There was a sense of comfort I felt knowing I blended in with the rest of the crowd. When my friends and I ventured out to Yongsan in central Seoul, home to the largest US army base called Yongsan Garrison (“Dragon Hill Garrison”), we acutely felt what it feels like being visible when we saw Honyol (mixed blood in verbatim) children, bi-racial boys and girls between Korean women and US soldiers, on the streets near the base. Visible to everyone for different looks and skin colors, they were being stared at and sometimes pointed at by other Korean pedestrians although one of their parents was a Korean.
When I moved to the U.S., I read an article titled “The Long Way Home” by long-time Pittsburgh Steelers receiver, Hines Ward, in which he described what it felt like to have a Korean mother and an African American father. He described feeling like an outcast in both the African American and Asian American communities. Ward’s mother revealed that this was the reason she felt that she could not return to Korea with her son.
These memories together haunted and pained me as a new mother when my first bi-racial son was born. I didn’t know whom to talk to and where to turn for parenting advice on raising a bi-racial child. “Is there some sort of a playbook?” I wondered. The only thing that my spouse and I knew for sure was that we wanted our children to become their own unique beings, competent, compassionate, and secure young men who are not subject to choosing between cultures and racial backgrounds imposed by so-called societal norms nor anyone else. With these aligned values in mind, we tried to raise proud bi-racial children by upholding our own parenting philosophies. A few of the principles we followed…
#1: Celebrate Both Cultures and Cultural Values
When my son, Douglas, was interviewed by a GeekWire reporter about his startup business, he shared that one of his favorite things to do was cooking as a family by improvising and creating our favorite dishes, crossovers between East and West. Early on, we tried to expose our boys to both cultures and cultural celebrations as equally as possible so that they would know what it feels like growing up in a family with two starkly different cultures with food as varied as fish and chips and kimchi.
We gave our children Korean names alongside their Western names for their connection to my side of the family. While our children have not lived for an extended period of time in Korea, we’ve traveled as a family to Korea regularly to make sure they have experience in the country. We always thought an opportunity for them to experience both cultures and to decide what to and what not to adopt from such experiences is one of our best gifts to them. My boys grew up knowing that they can create their own unique identity on their own terms informed by their exposure to different cultures and cultural values.
#2: Be Critical About Cultural Stereotypes
While celebrating both cultures, we were also critical about our cultural baggage such as imposing our value judgments in parenting and following stereotypes imposed by the dominant cultures. While growing up, I heard an earful from everyone that becoming a doctor, lawyer, CPA, or judge had to be the aspiration resulting from getting the best grades in school. Confucianism-influenced Korean culture cherished professions requiring significant investments in education over others.
Just like any good daughter, I followed this path blindly despite my different interests to make my parents proud. Ultimately, I found my own path in business — and I learned the benefit of the Western notion of supporting one’s children in finding their unique paths. We tried hard to avoid injecting this type of cultural baggage into our parenting so that the boys could have the freedom to discover their own passion and interests free from any of our biases.
#3: You are You; Nobody Defines You
What we want for our kids and other bi-racial children is that they use their unique identity to bridge across cultures and add their own perspectives to create the best communities for themselves and everyone around them. Being unique comes with its own price as well as perks. There were instances where my racially ambiguous boys were shunned or taunted because they were not perceived to be “full” by either culture. But some moments made them feel it’s cool to be bi-racial, for example, when they found out Korea celebrates Children’s Day on May 5, another day for gift receiving.
In this highly polarized society we live in today, we are judged by labels and often are forced to pick a side on issues whether be consequential or not. This puts us in a really tight corner where we can’t be our own unique beings, rather we are too often silenced by those who hold large megaphones preaching their extreme views.
Bi-racial children have had the benefit of creating the best from both cultures by learning, experiencing, and debating both the good and ugly sides of their cultural upbringing. They were given the freedom to adopt what they consider to be the best from other cultures and inject their own voice into making what they perceive as “best” for them and their families.
According to the APM Research Lab, from 2016 to 2060, the number of multiracial Americans is expected to triple, from approximately 8.5 million to approximately 25.3 million, growing faster than any major racial or ethnic group. Their growth will expand diversity in untold ways with their unique upbringings, resilience, and their ability to transcend and rise above racial categories. These children have a distinctive role to play in helping us unify and bridge across cultures and ethnicities — rising above racial labels to help us all truly enjoy and appreciate the beauty of the diversity of our world.
